Monday, June 4, 2012


Disclaimer: This post isn’t very funny but it’s real and part of how it really is to go through IVF.

So an IVF cycle starts with taking birth control.  You contact your nurse on day 1 of your period and they give you your “protocol”.  The protocol tells you when you will take what drugs, for how long, and approximately when you will do the egg retrieval and transfer. 
Of course my period starts on Sunday when I can’t call to get my protocol.  I couldn’t remember if you start the birth control day 1 or not, so I was frantically emailing my nurse last night.  I knew it wouldn’t be a huge deal, but it was enough for me to start to feel stressed out.
I get a response this morning and you don’t start until day 3, so yesterday was really an overreaction.  The “REAL” drugs will start on my birthday.  It is exciting and overwhelming to see the protocol.  It gives me an approximate date that they will do the transfer and that is exciting, but now the reality is setting in on all the steps to get to that point. 
For the last few weeks I’ve been able to kind of just be excited about the prospect of having another baby.  Now I have to focus and deal with all of this, and quite honestly today I would love to just hide and not have to deal with anything.  But I have a toddler who needs me, so I paste on the happy face and sing songs and be silly.  And I have work, so I do my work and just appreciate that it is a virtual company where I don’t have to dress up or interact very much.
I will admit though this hasn’t been the first bad day in this process.  Last week I found myself feeling very resentful of Paul.  For us to have a baby he has to jerk off into a cup.  I have to endure shots, and exams, and blood work, and hormones all before I even get pregnant.  
I told him I was feeling resentful.  Not to hurt his feelings but so he would know how I felt and he got angry with me.  He said he already felt bad enough.  So now I don’t really feel like I should say anything.  That is probably why I feel like being alone for today; I don’t want to make him feel guilty but I want to be able to be a little angry about all of it.
The reason I’m putting all of this here in my blog is because if by chance someone else is reading this and going through the same thing, I hope they know they are not alone.  I know that I am just a little down and things will get better.  Emotionally it wasn’t as hard the last time, because we didn’t know what to expect.  We will get through this though.  I am just going to push through to the next step, and the step after that because I know I want another baby so that is what I have to do.

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