Life is messy...

Life is messy. 

I could never have predicted where I would be today.  Even with the planning that my type A personality dictates, I could never have guessed the course my life would take.

No one can plan for everything, for every possible outcome. 

I am angry …I am angry that I have to be responsible for taking care of my parents when I still feel the sting of fucked up childhood.

I feel selfish for still feeling resentful about my childhood.

I feel overwhelmed. 

I feel gypped.  I see other people my age enjoying a relationship with their parents, who are just appreciating seeing their grown children start families for themselves.

I worry that I’m not giving Mandie enough of my time.  That I am so focused on my career, which we are financially dependent on; that I am neglecting to give her what she really needs, which is my attention.

I feel like my job takes advantage of me, but that I also allow for that to happen.

I feel bad for my sister who has to deal with my parents as well.

I have an amazing daughter and a husband I love.  I have the best sister I could ever ask for.  I am thankful for these things.   I just wish there was less pressure everywhere else, so that I could spend more time enjoying the good things I have in my life.

Moving Forward

So we don't find out for sure until tomorrow but I'm pretty sure that this round of IVF was a bust.  We've decided to go right into another round.  I thought I didn't want to do this again when I was suffering through the ovary over stimulation issues, but once I recovered I got over it pretty quickly.  We are disappointed that it didn't work, but hopefully we will have a better go this round.

Now I'm going to post some happy things.

Paul was invited to test the new Wii U that is being released before Christmas.  We went to a fancy hotel in DC where they had set up the conference room like a swanky club...that was filled with geeks that did not have on nearly enough deodorant. 

It was still fun and Mandie even got her own lanyard and swipe card.  She danced to "Call me maybe" which was one of three songs they had for the singing game demo and was the only song everyone picked to try.  She also enjoyed her Wii U cookie...

Then her Daddy won first place in a new Donkey Kong game and got her Luigi, he has become her favorite car companion.

And in even bigger news ...  Mandie has decided that she is ready for the potty.  We had not planned on potty training this early.  We were definitely not trying to potty train while going through IVF, but Mandie decided it was time. 

The other day while getting her bath ready she sat herself down on her potty and went pee.  She had peed on her little potty before, but it would be if she woke up with a dry diaper I would let her try.  That's kind of cheating because I knew she had to go.  Her choosing to go on her own was a big step forward.  I still didn't think she was ready...but then she started wanting to try more often and every time I put her on there she would go.  So today we bought her another little potty for downstairs.  When we got home from Target her diaper was still dry and she immediately tested her new potty out.  Later after another trip to Target and a trip to the playground we noticed that her diaper was still dry.  She hopped on the potty and earned another sticker.  We put on her training pants expecting an accident, but amazingly enough about a half hour later she came to me trying to pull them down and after I helped her out of them she sat down and peed again!  She did eventually pee a little in her pants, but she was quick to let us know that it had happened.  Overall she is doing amazing considering that she has basically done all of this on her own.  Though I wasn't ready for this step I am very proud of her quick progress.

3 Amigos

(This post jumps around more than a Vonnegut novel...but it is really how it all felt.)

So on Wednesday we had the egg retrieval.  I had been feeling pretty crappy the days before, but the day of I wasn't feeling bad at all.  It's a quick wham, bam, thank you ma'am procedure, where you go in they knock you out, they stick a needle through your vaginal wall and into each ovary stealing the eggs.  It takes 15-30 minutes.  I handle the anesthesia well and hopped right up and was ready to go both times.  This time though I was fine as I got home but then started to be in quite a bit of pain.  Then it started hurting when I would breathe ...all the way to my collar bone.  I couldn't lay down and I was miserable.  It turns out I had some over stimulation, probably because they couldn't retrieve all of the eggs due to respiratory issues I was having.  If I laid down I was in excruciating pain from my belly button to my right shoulder.  And I was exhausted so all I wanted to do way lie down. 

I was worried because they had only retrieved 6 eggs.  Last time they retrieved 19 and only had 4 that were mature enough and only 2 that fertilized.  So now I felt like the odds were really against us.  I was scared that they were going to call and say we had no mature eggs.  We were still at Shady Grove when the doctor told us this and I almost wanted to fight and say ..no let's go back in and try to get more.  I didn't.

The next day, even though I couldn't breathe I was thrilled to hear that once again we had 4 mature eggs and that this time 3 had fertilized!  I was so excited that I didn't even tell the doctor the pain I was in.  (Later when it became unbearable I did call and tell the nurse.)

So now on day 2 post retrieval we still have 3 good embryos.  (And though my abdomen still hurts, it stopped hurting when I breathe.)  We have an appointment to put them back in tomorrow.  Now we could still receive a call saying to wait until Monday, but we have to be ready for tomorrow.  I am excited and nervous.  It will take two weeks after the transfer to find out at the office if we are pregnant.  I will cheat and pee on a stick before that.  I am just not patient enough to wait.

This round of IVF has been much more rough on me than the last one.  I am looking forward to the bed rest after the transfer because I could really use a nap.

(As a TMI side note I have to take pill in my vagina 3 times a day to keep my uterus fluffy.)

Hopefully only a few more days

This is going to sound like whining and it probably is ..but I hope it is also helpful to anyone else who might be going through this.

So I have been on meds for 10 days now.  I feel horrible.  I don't remember feeling this horrible last time, but I also had the ability to sleep when I felt like it.  I have had a headache for pretty much the entire time I've been on the meds.  Then I started having cramping and pulling at my ovaries around day 3.  I do have at least 13 follicles between 14 and 18mm as well as several smaller ones crammed in there.  This is a good outcome but I feel like I'm dragging my ovaries behind me. 

I have appointments everyday now with blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound.  Which means even when Mandie will sleep in I have to get up.  I did however spend most of today laying down because I just don't feel like moving. 

They think I will trigger tomorrow, which means one injection in the morning, then one big one at night, then we are done with the at home shots.  YAY!  A couple days later they should retrieve the eggs.  Something that confused me last time was that I still felt like I was dragging my ovaries after the retrieval, and it turns out it was because they only take the eggs not the follicles which means I'm still carrying around the equivalent of the egg carton. 

The next couple of days will be rough because we are both working, which means full time work and Mandie duty for me.  And I have become the ultimate slug.  I literally went from laying down in bed, to laying on the couch, to resting my head on the dinner table while I waited for Mandie to finish eating.  I'm really hoping this works in one try again, because I'm not sure how well I would handle going through another round.

Right now it is not quite 9pm and I am laying in bed and I don't think I will be getting up again until it is time for my appointment in the morning.  Fingers are crossed for triggering tomorrow.

I feel like poo today...

Last week ...

I got home after my blood work and ultrasound and realized that based off of simple math I did not have enough Menopur.  It was like a flash back to 5th grade math...

Kristie needs to take 150IU of Menapur each night for the next 12 nights.  Each vial of Menopur is 75IU and she has 17 vials.  What does Kristie need to do...

The answer is call my doctors office.

Me: I only have 8 1/2 days of Menopur.

Lady who orders meds: Well how many vials do you have?

Me: 17

Her: Well my papers say you are only taking 75IU a night.

Me: All of mine say 150IU and I just saw the nurse today, do you need me to email the paper she sent me?

Her: (In a not nice tone.)  Well you are going to need to hold while I go talk to your nurse.

Me: (In an equally snarky tone.) Okay you do that.

Then the nurse picks up.

Nurse: You have enough Gonal-F

Me: I didn't even do the math for that.  I am saying I don't have enough of the Menopur.

Nurse: How much do you have?
(She says this like there is no way I could have figured out the complicated math.)

Me: 17 vials which will cover 8 1/2 days.

Nurse: Oops I order it wrong.  I ordered it at 75IU a night.  Just go ahead and call the pharmacy and ask for a refill.

Me: Okay thanks.


Guess what I figured out last night????
I don't have enough Gonal-F either.  Apparently my nurse failed 5th grade math.

So my meds started on the 30th instead of my birthday.  On the 30th I had the worst migraine I have had in FOREVER!  By the end of the night I thought I was going to die.  It was during this time that I established that I did not have enough Gonal-F.  I left my nurse an email notifying her.  I ended it saying "Just thought I'd let you know in case there was something you needed to do on your end"(like math).  I didn't put the "like math" part but it was there in spirit.

I did my injections and the Menopur burned more than I remember, so I'm really glad I had to order more.

I'm guessing that screwing with my hormones and the crazy weather are trying to kill me.  I don't remember feeling this shitty last time, so I'm hoping that I start feeling better in the next few days.

I am also going to contact my doctors office and tell them that I'm not happy with their lack of math skills because the pharmacy confirmed that it means that I have already paid double for my meds.  I don't normally like to complain, but this round of IVF has been so unorganized on the admin side of things that they really need to look into it.  Hopefully this works in one round for us and we will be done!

Hurry Up and Wait

So I haven't posted for a while because IVF is very much a hurry up and wait process.  Right now we are getting back into a hurry mode.  We dealt with some issues with getting the meds because apparently Shady Grove didn't submit the pre approval paperwork to the insurance.  So several phone calls later (and we found out the financial person in our office was "no longer employed at this office") we had the approval we needed and the meds were only slightly delayed.  Then I receive a phone call from the pharmacy saying that the one drug was out of stock.  Me being me I get super grumpy ...not with the pharmacy but with Shady Grove for letting the ball drop on the paperwork in the first place.  The meds were there when they were going to ship them initially, but because of the hold up now they are out.  So more phone calls.  Shady Grove says have the meds they do have sent and they reassure me that we will get the other med in time.  The meds lady for Shady Grove is super nice and sensing my apprehension tells me if it comes down to it they have some there that they can give me.  Awesome ..that works...I call the pharmacy back and they ship the drugs.

Our insurance covers most of this but we do end up paying $159 out of pocket.  So now our running total is $484.  So in just over a month that is what we have spent not including travel, and food, and cleaning up a puke covered child.  It is a lot of money and money that we don't really have, but we make it work and are very thankful for our insurance because many other people are paying much more for this.
(Update:  We received a bill today for the genetic testing so we are now at $584.)


So drugs are always shipped next day and with this pharmacy you have to sign for them.  (Some of the drugs have to be refrigerated.)  So then we are in stealth mode because our Fedex guy is really good at ding and dash and we have missed shipments before because we couldn't run to the door in time.  If that were to happen in this case I could lose my meds and miss my cycle, so at 0800hrs we start watch.  We take turns making sure that someone is always in the living room so that we can make it down to the door.  At 1300 the meds show up and that is when I realize that I never put on a bra.  I run to the door anyhow and then attempt to awkwardly use the box as a shield for my lack of support.  I sign the scanner dealy while balancing it on the box and then quickly shut the door.

This is what you get when you get the drugs...

Honestly the first time when this came in I was in complete shock.  I was expecting a shoe box and instead I receive a box large enough to be used as an end table.  Okay maybe not that large.  But it is a big box.

Amazingly enough inside the box are the meds that they said they were out of.  I almost jump for joy that I have one less thing to worry about.  I don't know if the drugs came back in stock or if they had already packed my box last week when it was supposed to ship, but either way YAY!

So I have been on the birth control they put you on for the last two weeks.  The stuff is nasty.  I've never had a problem with the pill but my skin looks terrible, I've had migraines and I was nauseous for the first week of it.  Sunday is my last pill though.  Then on Monday I go in and have blood work and another trans-vaginal ultrasound to make sure things are ready to go. 

I will start injections on my birthday.  Birthday hormones yay!  Not really, but hopefully we will go one round and be happily pregnant with our second child.

Stressed

Disclaimer: This post isn’t very funny but it’s real and part of how it really is to go through IVF.

So an IVF cycle starts with taking birth control.  You contact your nurse on day 1 of your period and they give you your “protocol”.  The protocol tells you when you will take what drugs, for how long, and approximately when you will do the egg retrieval and transfer. 

Of course my period starts on Sunday when I can’t call to get my protocol.  I couldn’t remember if you start the birth control day 1 or not, so I was frantically emailing my nurse last night.  I knew it wouldn’t be a huge deal, but it was enough for me to start to feel stressed out.

I get a response this morning and you don’t start until day 3, so yesterday was really an overreaction.  The “REAL” drugs will start on my birthday.  It is exciting and overwhelming to see the protocol.  It gives me an approximate date that they will do the transfer and that is exciting, but now the reality is setting in on all the steps to get to that point. 

For the last few weeks I’ve been able to kind of just be excited about the prospect of having another baby.  Now I have to focus and deal with all of this, and quite honestly today I would love to just hide and not have to deal with anything.  But I have a toddler who needs me, so I paste on the happy face and sing songs and be silly.  And I have work, so I do my work and just appreciate that it is a virtual company where I don’t have to dress up or interact very much.

I will admit though this hasn’t been the first bad day in this process.  Last week I found myself feeling very resentful of Paul.  For us to have a baby he has to jerk off into a cup.  I have to endure shots, and exams, and blood work, and hormones all before I even get pregnant.  

I told him I was feeling resentful.  Not to hurt his feelings but so he would know how I felt and he got angry with me.  He said he already felt bad enough.  So now I don’t really feel like I should say anything.  That is probably why I feel like being alone for today; I don’t want to make him feel guilty but I want to be able to be a little angry about all of it.

The reason I’m putting all of this here in my blog is because if by chance someone else is reading this and going through the same thing, I hope they know they are not alone.  I know that I am just a little down and things will get better.  Emotionally it wasn’t as hard the last time, because we didn’t know what to expect.  We will get through this though.  I am just going to push through to the next step, and the step after that because I know I want another baby so that is what I have to do.